Is It Normal for Couples to Stop Going on Dates? What It Means for Your Relationship
TL;DR:
Most married couples date less over time — and more than half rarely or never go on dates at all. That's common, but it's not automatically fine. The real question isn't how long it's been since your last dinner out. It's whether intentional time together has disappeared along with the dates. If you still seek each other out, feel connected, and make room for shared enjoyment, your relationship may have simply changed shape. If the dates stopped around the same time closeness did, that's worth paying attention to. When being alone together consistently feels tense, uncomfortable, or like something to avoid, adding more plans to the calendar won't fix what's actually making connection difficult. That's where working with a couples counselor in St. Louis, MO can help — not to get you back on dates, but to understand what would need to shift for couples counseling in St. Louis, MO to make time together feel worth wanting again.
You can't remember the last time the two of you actually went on a date. You spend plenty of time in the same house, but somewhere between work, errands, family responsibilities, and trying to relax at the end of the day, going out together stopped happening. If this is something you've started thinking about or even brought up in couples counseling in St. Louis, MO, the missing dates themselves may not be the most important part. What matters is what happened to your connection when they disappeared.
It is common for couples to date less frequently as a relationship gets longer and life becomes more demanding. In fact, one national survey found that more than half of married adults rarely or never went on dates with their spouse. That doesn't automatically mean the relationship is struggling. The more useful question is whether formal dates have simply changed or whether you and your partner have also stopped making intentional time for each other.
Is It Normal for Married Couples to Stop Going on Dates?
Dating can become less frequent after marriage without either person intentionally deciding to stop. Work, school, bills, chores, parenting, and other responsibilities gradually fill the time that used to be easier to spend together. Keeping up with enjoyable couple time can become particularly difficult once everyday responsibilities take over, which means a change in your dating habits isn't unusual.
But something being common doesn't necessarily mean you should ignore it. If you haven't gone on a date in six months but still enjoy time together, seek each other out, and feel connected, your relationship may simply look different than it did earlier on. If you stopped dating around the same time you stopped feeling particularly close, that's worth paying more attention to.
Your Dating Life Is Allowed to Change
A couple with two young children probably has different options than they did when they first met. The same is true when you're navigating demanding careers, health concerns, caregiving responsibilities, or a tight budget. How often you go somewhere together doesn't provide enough information on its own to determine how well your relationship is doing.
Instead, look at what has happened to intentional time overall. You may rarely have a traditional date but still make time to sit outside together after dinner, spend an evening talking after the kids are asleep, or regularly choose activities you both enjoy. In that case, dating may have changed rather than disappeared.
When Does Not Going on Dates Become a Relationship Problem?
Not going on dates becomes more concerning when it's part of a broader change in how you relate to each other. Maybe you aren't spending much enjoyable time together anymore. Affection has decreased, you don't seek each other out as often, or you've become so accustomed to separate routines that being alone together feels unusual.
Two couples can both say they haven't been on a date in six months and have completely different relationships. One couple may still laugh together in the kitchen, talk every night, and look forward to having time alone. Another may spend most evenings in separate rooms and only really talk when there's something that needs to be handled. The amount of time since their last dinner out is identical. What that time represents isn't.
Pay Attention to What Replaced the Dates
When dates become less frequent, consider what filled that space. Maybe Saturday nights now involve activities with your kids, but you and your partner still make time for each other elsewhere. Maybe you've traded dinners out for quieter evenings at home because that's what works better for your life right now. Those changes don't necessarily represent a loss of connection.
It's different when intentional time has been replaced almost entirely by separate routines, work, phones, parenting responsibilities, or avoiding each other. You don't need to count the number of dates you've had this year to determine whether something has shifted. Look at whether your relationship still contains shared enjoyment, affection, interest, and opportunities to be together because you genuinely want each other's company.
Does Not Going on Dates Mean You've Lost the Spark?
Not necessarily. When couples talk about losing the "spark," they can mean several different things. You may miss the anticipation you felt before seeing each other, the spontaneity you had earlier in the relationship, physical affection, or the feeling that your partner was actively choosing to spend time with you. Some of those experiences naturally change as a relationship becomes more familiar.
Intentional time can still play a meaningful role, particularly during demanding stages of family life. Couples with young children who went on dates during certain stages were more likely to remain together later, even after the analysis accounted for a range of background factors. The findings don't mean date nights guarantee that a couple stays together. They do point toward the potential value of continuing to make the relationship a priority while parenting and other responsibilities compete for attention.
Familiarity Isn't the Same Thing as Disconnection
Feeling comfortable with your spouse is part of being in a long-term relationship. You know their routines, you've heard most of their favorite stories, and a Tuesday evening together probably doesn't carry the same nervous excitement as your third date. A relationship doesn't need to feel new forever to remain close and satisfying.
What deserves more attention is when familiarity starts feeling like indifference. Maybe you're no longer particularly interested in spending time alone together, you rarely feel curious about what's happening in each other's lives, or one of you consistently tries to avoid opportunities to connect. At that point, the issue is bigger than whether you've made dinner reservations recently.
What If One Person Wants Dates and the Other Doesn't?
A disagreement about date night can quickly become about much more than where you're going on Saturday. The partner asking for dates may be trying to say that they miss feeling close, want more attention, or need reassurance that the relationship is still important. The other person may hear criticism about something else they're apparently failing to do.
There are also plenty of reasons someone may be reluctant to plan a date that have little to do with how much they care about their spouse. They may be exhausted, worried about money, overwhelmed by arranging childcare, or uncomfortable because recent attempts to spend time alone have ended in tension. Understanding that difference is more useful than deciding which person is right about how often couples should go out.
Talk About What the Date Represents
If one of you keeps asking for dates and the other keeps resisting them, talk about what you're each attaching to the idea. "We never go anywhere anymore" might really mean, "I miss having time when I feel like I have your attention." Your partner may be responding to the request for an outing without realizing there's a larger need underneath it.
Sometimes these conversations develop into a pattern where one partner keeps reaching for connection, and the other becomes increasingly overwhelmed and pulls away. EFT-informed couples work looks at these recurring cycles so partners can recognize what each person is reacting to rather than treating one another as the problem. If date night has become a recurring argument, understanding what both of you are actually asking for can be more productive than debating the calendar.
How Often Should Married Couples Go on Dates?
There isn't a schedule every married couple needs to follow. Some couples enjoy having a standing weekly date. Others may realistically manage something once or twice a month, while certain seasons make even that difficult. What matters is whether the amount of intentional time you're getting feels sufficient to both of you.
There is still good reason to pay attention to dating frequency. A nationwide survey of 2,000 married adults found that spouses who went on dates at least once or twice per month reported higher marital happiness, commitment, sexual satisfaction, and perceived stability than those who dated less frequently. These findings show an association rather than proving that a particular number of dates produces a happier marriage.
Find a Rhythm You Can Actually Maintain
A weekly date isn't particularly useful if trying to make it happen creates more stress than enjoyment. The right frequency has to account for your schedules, finances, family responsibilities, energy, and what each of you wants from that time. A realistic plan is more useful than setting an expectation you repeatedly can't meet.
It can also help to think beyond frequency. If you only have one evening together this month, how do you want to spend it? If going somewhere isn't possible, is there another way you can intentionally spend time together? The goal isn't to meet a quota. It's to make sure your relationship still has a place in a schedule that will always contain other priorities.
When You've Stopped Dating Because Being Together Feels Hard
Sometimes the reason dates stopped isn't difficult to identify. You stopped wanting to go.
Maybe outings frequently turn into arguments, or there is an uncomfortable silence when you're finally alone. Perhaps one of you repeatedly tries to initiate plans while the other finds reasons not to go. You may even agree that you should spend more time together while privately dreading what that time will feel like.
That kind of avoidance tells you something different from simply being busy. If having uninterrupted time together consistently brings tension, resentment, or discomfort to the surface, finding a more interesting activity may not address what is actually making the relationship difficult.
A Date Can't Resolve Something You've Been Avoiding
A nice evening together can create an opportunity to reconnect, but it can't automatically resolve unresolved hurt, betrayal, chronic conflict, changes in intimacy, or resentment that has been building for months. When those concerns are present, couples may keep trying to fix the lack of connection by planning more time together without addressing why that time has become uncomfortable.
This can be a reason to work with a couples counselor in St. Louis, MO. Counseling provides somewhere to examine what changed, what happens when you try to get close, and why attempts to reconnect may keep falling apart. The focus isn't simply getting the two of you back out on dates. It's understanding what would need to change for spending time together to feel connecting again.
So, Should You Start Dating Your Spouse Again?
If formal dates have disappeared but you still regularly spend meaningful time together and both feel good about your connection, there may not be anything you need to fix. Your relationship has changed over time, and the ways you enjoy each other can change with it.
If dates disappeared alongside affection, shared enjoyment, curiosity, or time alone together, start there. And if your partner has repeatedly told you that they miss spending intentional time with you, take that request seriously even if you feel like you're already together all the time. Instead of focusing only on the last time you went somewhere together, think about the last time you intentionally spent time together simply because you wanted to enjoy being with each other.
Missing Time Together? Couples Counseling St Louis Can Help
If you've noticed that intentional time has gradually disappeared from your relationship, you don't have to wait until the distance becomes harder to address. Maybe one of you misses dating more than the other, you've fallen into separate routines, or attempts to spend time together haven't felt the way either of you hoped.
At SEO and Wellness, couples counseling in St. Louis, MO gives you space to understand what has changed and what both of you want from the relationship moving forward.
Make room for time together that actually feels like yours.
Other Services Offered at SEO and Wellness in St. Louis, MO
Your relationship is affected by more than what happens between the two of you. Stress, mental health, physical health, work demands, family responsibilities, and major changes in your life can all influence the energy you have available for your partner. At SEO and Wellness, our collaborative approach gives you access to care that considers those different parts of your well-being together.
Along with couples counseling, our team provides individual therapy, family therapy, psychiatry, functional medicine, chiropractic care, acupuncture, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. Our providers share a commitment to inclusive, connected care that looks at what's happening across your life rather than treating every concern as a separate issue.
About the Author
Dr. Maya Johnson, PsyD, works with couples who are trying to understand whether their relationship has simply changed with time or whether they've become more disconnected than either partner intended. As the Founder and Clinical Director of SEO and Wellness and a licensed couples counselor in St. Louis, MO, she helps couples make sense of those changes without relying on an arbitrary standard for what their relationship is supposed to look like.
Dr. Johnson is a Licensed Psychologist in Missouri with a PsyD in Clinical Psychology. Her approach is warm, evidence-informed, relational, culturally responsive, HAES-aligned, and LGBTQIA+ affirming. She specializes in couples counseling and trauma recovery and believes relationship support should account for the actual circumstances couples are navigating outside the therapy room.
When she's not in session, you'll find her cooking family recipes with her teenage daughter or hiking one of Missouri's many trails.
Sources
Justice, A. (2021, April 7). How to Keep Dating Your Spouse After Marriage. Utah State University Extension. https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/blog/how-to-keep-dating-your-spouse-after-marriage
Cawthorn, A. (2026, March 10). Couples Counseling Starter Kit: EFT-Informed Moves for Stuck Cycles. Indiana Wesleyan University. https://www.indwes.edu/articles/2026/03/couples-counseling-starter-kit-eft-informed-moves-stuck-cycles
Institute for Family Studies. Date Your Spouse and Stay Happily Married.https://ifstudies.org/blog/date-your-spouse-and-stay-happily-married
Institute for Family Studies. The Power of Date Nights.https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-power-of-date-night
