The 4 Types of Communication and How They Impact Your Relationship
You said something. Your partner heard something else entirely. Now you're both defensive, and neither of you is sure how it got there so fast. If you've been working with a couples counselor or searching for couples counseling in St. Louis, this kind of pattern is probably part of what brought you here. The issue usually isn't what you said. It's the communication style behind it.
According to Dr. John Gottman, a couple's communication patterns can often predict relationship success. This means understanding those patterns is one of the most useful things a couple can do. This post breaks down the four communication styles identified by researchers and explains how each one shows up inside a relationship. It also looks at what changes when couples begin to understand which styles they're working with.
What Are the 4 Types of Communication?
Researchers identify four main communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. Most people use a mix of all four depending on the situation. Dr. Daria LaFave, a communication instructor at Southern New Hampshire University, notes that no one is locked into a single style. Someone may communicate assertively at work and shift to passive communication at home. That kind of style fluidity is normal. What matters in a relationship is understanding which style tends to take over under stress, because that's when patterns become problems. The sections below break down what each style looks and feels like when it shows up between partners.
Passive Communication — When Silence Feels Safer Than Speaking
Passive communication means consistently holding back what you actually think, feel, or need, often to avoid conflict or keep the peace. In a relationship, it shows up as agreeing to things you don't actually want, letting resentment build without naming it, or going quiet rather than raising a concern. On the surface, it can look like flexibility or an easygoing nature. Over time, it creates distance. The partner communicating passively may feel chronically unseen. Whereas the other partner may feel confused by sudden coldness or withdrawal they didn't see coming.
Unspoken Needs Don't Disappear.
They surface as something else; irritability, detachment, or quiet resentment that neither partner can quite explain. Withholding is one of the most common and subtle ways passive communication shows up. Instead of having a hard conversation, a partner avoids the issue and the feelings come out elsewhere. It can show up as passive-aggressive behavior, or as venting to a friend instead of the person involved. The problem stays unsolved, and the distance grows.
Aggressive Communication — When the Need to Be Heard Overrides Everything Else
Aggressive communication puts getting your point across ahead of your partner's ability to actually receive it. This isn't limited to yelling or name-calling. Aggressive communication also looks like talking over your partner, dismissing their perspective before they've finished, or treating every disagreement as something to win.
In a relationship, it creates a climate where the other partner doesn't feel safe speaking honestly. Over time, they may go quiet, comply without meaning it, or become passive-aggressive in response. Dr. LaFave points out that aggressive communication can create a hostile environment, and that even when directness is needed, the approach matters as much as the message.
The Fear Underneath the Anger
She also notes that gender plays a role in how this style gets interpreted. Assertive behavior in women is often misread as aggression, which can make honest communication harder in relationships where that dynamic is present. Aggressive communication is often a fear response. A person who feels unheard or dismissed may escalate to make sure they're taken seriously. That context doesn't excuse the impact, but it matters when trying to understand what's really driving it.
Passive-Aggressive Communication — The Style That Does the Most Hidden Damage
Passive-aggressive communication happens when someone can't or won't say directly what they mean, so frustration comes out sideways instead. In a relationship, this looks like sarcasm that isn't really a joke or agreeing out loud while doing the opposite. It can also mean bringing up old grievances in unrelated arguments, or going quiet in a way that's clearly punishing rather than processing. It's one of the most frustrating styles to be on the receiving end of, because it's difficult to address directly. The other person can always claim they were just kidding, or that nothing is wrong.
According to Dr. LaFave, passive-aggressive communication causes confusion and resentment. It often develops in people who grew up in environments where direct expression wasn't safe or welcome. In a relationship, it tends to escalate when one or both partners feel that honest communication gets them nowhere.
What's Said Versus What's Communicated
Part of what makes this style so damaging is what happens below the surface. Most of what we communicate isn't verbal. Around 60 to 65 percent of social communication relies on nonverbal behavior. The tone, the eye roll, the crossed arms, the pulled-back posture; all of it communicates as much as the words do. In passive-aggressive communication, the gap between what's said and what's communicated nonverbally is exactly where the damage happens.
A partner can say "I'm fine" while every nonverbal signal says the opposite, and the receiving partner is left confused and unable to respond to what's actually happening. Passive-aggressive behavior is usually a signal, not just a character flaw. Understanding that changes how you approach it.
Assertive Communication — What Healthy Communication Actually Looks Like
Assertive communication means expressing what you think, feel, and need clearly and directly, while staying genuinely open to your partner's perspective. Of the four styles, this is the one research consistently links to healthier relationships and more effective conflict resolution. It doesn't steamroll like aggressive communication does, and it doesn't disappear the way passive communication tends to. In practice, it sounds like "I felt dismissed when that happened" rather than "you never listen." It means asking for what you need without expecting your partner to already know.
Research on effective communication points to "I feel" statements as one of the most important tools couples can use, because it keeps the conversation focused on emotions rather than blame.Being fully present is another part of it. Put the devices down, keep your attention on your partner, and show acceptance even when you disagree. The goal isn't to win an argument. It's to actually understand each other.
Assertiveness Doesn't Look the Same For Everyone.
Assertiveness doesn't look the same for everyone. Healthy LGBTQ relationships are built on the same foundations as any relationship: safety, respect, and the ability to talk about boundaries and feelings without fear. For many LGBTQ individuals, there can be additional layers of learned silence rooted in experiences of rejection and discrimination that make assertive communication harder to access. Recognizing that matters, both in how partners communicate with each other and in how they understand their own patterns.
How Communication Styles Show Up in Conflict
Most relationship conflicts aren't just about the topic at hand. They're about two communication styles colliding under pressure. Different style combinations create different problems. A passive partner and an aggressive partner create a predictable loop: one pushes, one disappears, and nothing gets resolved.
Two passive communicators may avoid every hard conversation until the distance between them becomes impossible to ignore. A passive-aggressive partner paired with an assertive one often creates confusion: one person tries to address something directly while the other deflects.
Some Signs Are Easy to Recognize.
Assuming you know what your partner thinks, getting defensive when they try to talk, having the same arguments without resolution, and stonewalling to avoid difficult conversations are all signs that communication styles are creating problems. None of these are signs of a bad relationship. All of them are signs of communication patterns that haven't been examined yet.
The style isn't the person. Most people shift styles depending on how safe they feel. Under stress, under pressure, or in a relationship where past attempts to communicate honestly went badly, people default to whatever protected them before. Understanding communication styles isn't about labeling your partner. It's about creating enough awareness that both of you can start choosing something different.
How a Couples Counselor Can Help
A couples counselor helps partners identify the styles they've defaulted to, understand where those patterns came from, and build new ways of communicating that actually work for both of them. Most couples don't need scripts or rules. They need enough awareness and safety to communicate honestly, even about the things that feel hardest to say.
What Changes When You Have Support
A counselor can help identify unhelpful communication patterns, develop new coping techniques, and practice talking in more effective ways. They can also address the underlying resentments or other factors that are making communication harder in the first place. A couples counselor creates a space where both partners can practice the kind of communication that isn't possible when conversations keep going sideways at home.
If your communication patterns are keeping you stuck, couples counseling in St. Louis is a place to start understanding them, and each other, more clearly.
Ready to Communicate Better? Couples Counseling in St. Louis Can Help.
If your communication patterns are keeping you and your partner stuck, you don't have to figure it out alone. At SEO and Wellness, our couples counselors in St. Louis create a space where both of you can slow down, understand what's driving the disconnect, and start communicating in ways that actually bring you closer.
Learn what your communication style is telling you
Other Services Offered at SEO and Wellness in St. Louis, MO
At SEO and Wellness, we know your relationship is only one part of your overall well-being. That's why our care goes beyond couples counseling to support every part of who you are. Stress, health, identity, and family dynamics all shape the way we show up in our relationships, and we believe the best care sees that whole picture.
In addition to couples counseling, our team provides individual therapy, family therapy, psychiatry, functional medicine, chiropractic care, acupuncture, speech therapy, and occupational therapy. Every service is grounded in the same belief: that care should be comprehensive, inclusive, and connected. Whether you're working through anxiety, rebuilding your health, or strengthening your relationships, you'll find a warm, affirming space here where lasting change can take root.
About the Author
Dr. Maya Johnson, PsyD, founded SEO and Wellness on a belief she's seen play out in session after session: that most couples aren't struggling because they don't care. They're struggling because the patterns they've built around communication have never been named. As a licensed couples counselor in St. Louis, MO, Dr. Johnson specializes in helping partners identify those patterns, understand where they came from, and build something that actually works for both of them.
Dr. Johnson is a Licensed Psychologist in Missouri with a PsyD in Clinical Psychology. Her approach integrates evidence-based methods with a relational, strengths-focused lens, and she brings a HAES-aligned, LGBTQIA+ affirming perspective to every session. She believes that learning to communicate differently isn't about following rules. It's about feeling safe enough to finally say what's true.
When she's not in session, you'll find her cooking family recipes with her teenage daughter or out on one of Missouri's many hiking trails.
Sources
Cherry, K. (2026, June 25). Why communication in relationships is so important. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/communication-in-relationships-why-it-matters-and-how-to-improve-5218269
Jones, H. (2026, June 3). How to read social cues to build better relationships. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/social-cues-5204407
Nicholson, K. (2024, May 2). LGBTQ relationships. Stop the Hurt. https://stopthehurt.org/lgbtq-relationships/
Palmer, M. (2023, November 7). Types of communication styles and how to identify them. Southern New Hampshire University. https://www.snhu.edu/about-us/newsroom/liberal-arts/types-of-communication-styles
